Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Jenna passed away. I can't believe that time is still going forward so quickly. I just want it to stop for a little while so I can sit and be sad. It isn't though. Life is still moving forward, the days are now weeks and there is nothing else to do but move forward as well. I seem to do best while around other people. I can talk about the funeral now without sobbing and I can remember funny things about Jenna now and laugh more. I can talk about other things, yet most of the time it brings up thoughts of her and stories of her. Everything comes back to her. When I am alone with nothing else going on is when it is the hardest for me. I can't bring my thoughts away from her and that is when I break. I still can't imagine life with out her around. I have gone 2 weeks before without seeing her but there is still email, there was still her blog to read and catch up with her by. Now nothing. So you take it one day at a time.
Last week I was in Ohio, I left on Sunday, the day after the funeral. It by no means took my thoughts away from her but it was like another world. People wanted to know about her and I told her story so many times it was like a recording. The people who cared the most it was hard to stay strong around though. Even though I talked about her, it wasn't real up there. Now I am home and back to the reality of the situation. It will get easier I am sure but now it is still hard. It is hard to go out with friends and know that she will never again do those things with us. It is hard to log onto our playgroup board and see that life is moving forward and she isn't a part of it. She posted about everything, now there is silence. The shock of it all is still there, I am not sure when it will go away but I know it will. The place she has in the hearts of all who loved her will forever remain. The place she has in my heart will be there always.
So as I go through each day, doing things that must be done, I move forward. I don't want to, but I have to. I have to do laundry and grocery shop. I have to laugh and play. Jenna would be sad but she would celebrate life and be greatful for all she had. I will try and learn from her. She taught us all how to be brave and strong and now we actually have to put those lessons to use and love with our whole hearts and live our lives to the fullest, we never know if today will be our last.
1 comment:
Jacy,
I was thinking today that I can't believe it's been almost two weeks as well. I've wished for time alone to think and to cry and it is rare to get that time. In a way, maybe it's a blessing in disguise that we don't have much time to dwell.
I think you're right too, Jenna would want us to hold on to what we hold dear and not stay sad for long.
I didn't think it was possible to do the things that we did with her, now without her. I guess it is possible to do things without her, but it is not possible to ever forget her and for that I'm grateful.
Hugs,
Barbara
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