One Month

I am not sure how but I have managed to survive this month. I can not believe that a month has already gone by since we lost Jenna. Things are ever so slightly easier than they were and I know that it will get even easier with time but I wish we could fast forward to then. Lately I have found that I am angry more than anything. Angry that a wonderful person who would have done anything to live is gone and so many horrible people will live on to an old age. Angry that this wonderful mother who fought with every ounce of her strength to stay alive for her children is gone but I know people who now are speaking of suicide and not appreciating their life at all. Why would God take Jenna rather than one of them?? Angry with anyone who says or does something that seems the slightest bit insensitive. I know that people don't mean to do and say things that are hurtful but that is how they come across when your heart is already hurting so much. Angry with people for moving on with their lives, it is so hard to see that life is moving forward without her. I have been saying that I am still in denial and I am happy there. I can take myself to a place in my mind that allows me to just pretend for a little while. Unfortunately I am finding out the hard way that I am reliving losing her and experiencing that horrible pain that I felt the day that she left us, over and over again every time something happens to snap me back into reality. I am trying to find a way to stay here now rather than in my fantasy world but I am telling you, my fantasy is much better.

Barbara and I spent the entire day together today, we thought that it would be better if we weren't spending the day alone with our thoughts. We talked and laughed and cried about Jenna as we always do when we are all together, but today especially it was nice to have someone to talk to. I am thankful to have her and Chandra (who we so missed having with us today) as my friends and I am thankful to have had Jenna in my life, without her I would have been alone these past few years that I have lived in TN.

Thank you Jenna for being my friend and for bringing me into your circle of close friends, you gave me a greater gift than you can ever imagine. I miss you and I love you. I pray everyday that you are at peace and happy in Heaven. Every time it rains Mykenzie swears it is you crying because you are sad and I hope that if she is right, and you are crying, that you are crying tears of joy. Joy, because you look down on those who love you and you see what a mark you made on their lives. That you see how much you have inspired so many people and that you have taught us all to live our lives to the fullest and appreciate every day that we have here and how lucky we all are, even when it seems like everything is going wrong. Kaylee keeps asking to come to your house and see you. She tells me at least every other day that she wants to "go to Jemma's house to play" or "I wanna go see Jemma." Yes she is still calling you Jemma, though I miss the beginning when it was Jemmy! lol I just can't bring myself to try and explain to an almost 3 year old why we can't go, so I just hug her tight and tell her "I know, I want to go see Jemma and play too" We all miss you and think about you always, cause you touched us all and gave us your love. We will forever love you

Light the Night

Jenna's friends here in TN have come together to do the Light the Night walk in memory of Jenna. If you have not heard of it before, Light the Night is an annual walk set up to raise money to find better treatments and cures for leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma. This holds a very special place in our hearts, especially now and we want to do our part to support the cause and hopefully, one day find a cure to these awful diseases. I am on here to encourage you to participate in a walk near you or to donate today! The Nashville walk will be October 18th. If you would like to sponsor me (please sponsor me!) follow the link below even if it is only $5, every little bit helps take us one step closer to curing these diseases so no one else has to suffer a loss from them. We had been hoping to take this walk this year with Jenna by our side, cured. We had discussed it last year when Jenna was first diagnosed and we all believed that is how it would be. God apparently had another plan for Jenna. Though I think it should have been our way instead, I am trying not to question Him. We will walk on, for Jenna. We will do our part and I hope you will join a group or donate and do your part too. I love you Jenna

Sponsor Jacy in the walk here

Check out our team page here

Read more about Light the Night and find a local chapter near you here

To read more about the wonderful person we are walking in memory of please check here and here

If you would like to order a magazine follow this link and 40% of the sale will go to our teams total for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society

Our front flower beds before and after

So Sore

Yesterday we totally ripped out everything in my front flower beds. They were such a mess! The stuff was so over-grown and for some stupid reason we bought ground cover, well it worked and it covered the ground! LOL It looked awful! So we tore it up. Then we went and bought a bunch of new stuff and got it all planted. Travis is at the store buying new mulch now and then we will be finished with it. In the mean time I feel like I was hit by a truck. My entire body hurts! I have every intention of taking it easy today and just having a lazy day with the kids, well after we spread the mulch that is! lol

Ohio

We left on July 1st to drive to Ohio. Travis flew in ahead of us because he had plans made (that ended up cancelled) so it was Angie (who doesn't have a license), me and the 3 kids. I was expecting the worst with 3 kids but I must say they were so good. We did great till we got lost outside of Columbus. It was thanks to MapQuest not us! they gave us directions to a road that does not exist. Luckily the road that didn't exist took us to a road that we should have been taking, just in the opposite direction. So we got turned around and winged it from there. Thank goodness I grabbed my atlas!!

We got into Canton and I dropped off Angie and Lily at Travis' dads house and headed out to his moms where we stayed. The next day (Monday) I hung out with my sister, and we went and visited my Grammy and then went to my dads and spent the night. We went shopping and to lunch with Aimee and Abby and then headed back to Sharon's (my MIL's). This is when I did a major clean up job on her den and dining room. I did an awesome job if I do say so myself! lol I love organizing things and rearranging. The end results are so awesome!!

On the 4th (Happy Birthday to Me) we hung out with Travis' friends Derek and Tracy and the kids swam in their new pool, rode the 4 wheeler and jumped on the trampoline. We all had a great time. Travis then met up with some other friends and took Mykenzie to see the fireworks with them. I took Kaylee back to my MIL's so she could go to bed cause she was grumpy.

Thursday we headed to Grandpa Tony's (Travis' dad) and spent a couple hours with him with a break in the middle to go to a yummy Italian restaurant with Angie and Lily. Then Travis took me to Rachel's moms and dropped me and the girls off so we could hang out and spend the night. We stayed there till about 6ish looking at scrapbooks and chatting. We went to Rachels fed the kids, played outside and looked at more scrapbooks :) We got up in the morning and went to see Ratatouille, then met my sister and Abby at McDonalds for lunch. We went to Mindy's scrapbook store and then she dropped us off at Cheeseburger in Paradise where we were meeting Travis' family for dinner. Uncle Dan (Travis' brother) was in town from VA and we hadn't seen him in two years so we had a good time and got alot of weird looks from our photo session we held at our table.
Next morning got up and went to Bob Evans (I miss that place) with most of the same people from the night before. Then to Value City and off to my Aunt Shari's house to visit. We got lost for an hour but we FINALLY found the house. It was an adventure for sure. Our last night we turned in early and got up and got going after a few stops at houses where we left crap at. We made it home in record time of 7 1/2 hours, should take 9-10!!! I guess Travis has a bit of a lead foot! lol
We had a good vacation I am glad I got to see some of the people I love. I missed out on seeing Beth and I am sad about that as well as one of my uncles and my grandpa. It is hard to cram so many people into a few short days. Here are the pics from the trip

What else

Even though Jenna's passing has been in the front of my mind for 2 weeks now other things have been going on. I suppose it is time for me to write about those things as well. Angie and Lily came to stay with us for almost 4 weeks through the month of June. We had a lot of fun, alot of kids fighting and crying and made lots of memories. I must say though I do NOT know how people have twins! Holy Crap! Lily is 2 1/2 and Kaylee is just 2 months shy of being 3 (well at the time) and when they got along they were so cute but when they didn't WATCH OUT! Here are some pics from their visit.
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Rascal Flatts - Stand

Thanks Chickie

So I know this is gonna sound strange but to each his own. I am sitting in my kitchen feeling pretty low. I tried to find a distraction so I started cleaning out the small basket that sits on my counter. Well what do I come across, the birthday card from Jenna that she gave Mykenzie at her party, which was the last time I saw her. Then I find the stack of newspapers that were stacked underneath the basket and on top I see Jenna looking up at me. I got up and walked into the laundry room, clearly time for a new distraction. I was emptying a suitcase into the washer and just broke down. I was sobbing and talking to Jenna, telling her I didn't know how we were gonna get through this and then on the radio came the song "Stand" by Rascal Flatts and seconds later I found a stack of tissues in the suitcase (no clue how they got there) I swear it was her telling me that we would get through this. The song "Stand" had such meaning for her while battling cancer and now I think she was telling me that those words ring true to help us with our grief as well. So thanks for sending me that message Jenna and thanks for the tissues. I miss ya girl.

Days Go By

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since Jenna passed away. I can't believe that time is still going forward so quickly. I just want it to stop for a little while so I can sit and be sad. It isn't though. Life is still moving forward, the days are now weeks and there is nothing else to do but move forward as well. I seem to do best while around other people. I can talk about the funeral now without sobbing and I can remember funny things about Jenna now and laugh more. I can talk about other things, yet most of the time it brings up thoughts of her and stories of her. Everything comes back to her. When I am alone with nothing else going on is when it is the hardest for me. I can't bring my thoughts away from her and that is when I break. I still can't imagine life with out her around. I have gone 2 weeks before without seeing her but there is still email, there was still her blog to read and catch up with her by. Now nothing. So you take it one day at a time.

Last week I was in Ohio, I left on Sunday, the day after the funeral. It by no means took my thoughts away from her but it was like another world. People wanted to know about her and I told her story so many times it was like a recording. The people who cared the most it was hard to stay strong around though. Even though I talked about her, it wasn't real up there. Now I am home and back to the reality of the situation. It will get easier I am sure but now it is still hard. It is hard to go out with friends and know that she will never again do those things with us. It is hard to log onto our playgroup board and see that life is moving forward and she isn't a part of it. She posted about everything, now there is silence. The shock of it all is still there, I am not sure when it will go away but I know it will. The place she has in the hearts of all who loved her will forever remain. The place she has in my heart will be there always.

So as I go through each day, doing things that must be done, I move forward. I don't want to, but I have to. I have to do laundry and grocery shop. I have to laugh and play. Jenna would be sad but she would celebrate life and be greatful for all she had. I will try and learn from her. She taught us all how to be brave and strong and now we actually have to put those lessons to use and love with our whole hearts and live our lives to the fullest, we never know if today will be our last.