One Month

I am not sure how but I have managed to survive this month. I can not believe that a month has already gone by since we lost Jenna. Things are ever so slightly easier than they were and I know that it will get even easier with time but I wish we could fast forward to then. Lately I have found that I am angry more than anything. Angry that a wonderful person who would have done anything to live is gone and so many horrible people will live on to an old age. Angry that this wonderful mother who fought with every ounce of her strength to stay alive for her children is gone but I know people who now are speaking of suicide and not appreciating their life at all. Why would God take Jenna rather than one of them?? Angry with anyone who says or does something that seems the slightest bit insensitive. I know that people don't mean to do and say things that are hurtful but that is how they come across when your heart is already hurting so much. Angry with people for moving on with their lives, it is so hard to see that life is moving forward without her. I have been saying that I am still in denial and I am happy there. I can take myself to a place in my mind that allows me to just pretend for a little while. Unfortunately I am finding out the hard way that I am reliving losing her and experiencing that horrible pain that I felt the day that she left us, over and over again every time something happens to snap me back into reality. I am trying to find a way to stay here now rather than in my fantasy world but I am telling you, my fantasy is much better.

Barbara and I spent the entire day together today, we thought that it would be better if we weren't spending the day alone with our thoughts. We talked and laughed and cried about Jenna as we always do when we are all together, but today especially it was nice to have someone to talk to. I am thankful to have her and Chandra (who we so missed having with us today) as my friends and I am thankful to have had Jenna in my life, without her I would have been alone these past few years that I have lived in TN.

Thank you Jenna for being my friend and for bringing me into your circle of close friends, you gave me a greater gift than you can ever imagine. I miss you and I love you. I pray everyday that you are at peace and happy in Heaven. Every time it rains Mykenzie swears it is you crying because you are sad and I hope that if she is right, and you are crying, that you are crying tears of joy. Joy, because you look down on those who love you and you see what a mark you made on their lives. That you see how much you have inspired so many people and that you have taught us all to live our lives to the fullest and appreciate every day that we have here and how lucky we all are, even when it seems like everything is going wrong. Kaylee keeps asking to come to your house and see you. She tells me at least every other day that she wants to "go to Jemma's house to play" or "I wanna go see Jemma." Yes she is still calling you Jemma, though I miss the beginning when it was Jemmy! lol I just can't bring myself to try and explain to an almost 3 year old why we can't go, so I just hug her tight and tell her "I know, I want to go see Jemma and play too" We all miss you and think about you always, cause you touched us all and gave us your love. We will forever love you